HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
9 i0 m$ w1 E: U> >                     Effective January 2007
! g! U. z" Y* M' K* h> >
1 L; G- h( w6 Y2 s> > Dress Code
7 \6 ?: l/ m( T& w" |> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
( {4 }  K! h% t7 P> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
5 `. Y+ k4 j; C2 q0 `> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume0 }% e! q( O" W! G! o& h
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not, m1 T! l- I: m8 q/ e& m
> > need a pay raise.
) \7 T; u9 s7 a) y; y5 J> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
7 g( e* a6 p4 R, M/ T' `; v, K> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer4 U% p$ w4 g6 ~) }, G
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.( S% E5 l% S$ i; F
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
8 f6 d" k9 C5 X2 T> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
" {0 E5 z2 r0 S0 B4 K' g2 P> > raise.2 A/ B& y/ o! i( K* `% w- s! T
> >9 m: M' ^0 S/ z
> > Sick Days
9 l5 }: R' o3 Y$ t3 r3 ~8 K+ R> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
$ H8 \: h" Z, V( J> > proof of sickness.
8 s  d( _2 |$ r) _" `* ^" v$ j> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able$ m9 P0 F" G. N, H1 m
> > to come to work.
& A( G; E2 R# ^) {  H! v4 l6 `) X> >
" V$ S  I9 z  N( z% m2 T; b> > Holiday Days9 z' G. q4 j( ]  k  @
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
. y' B! N* M! s& P> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.+ p. H) S8 j2 i! u$ u
> >
; m9 j# p+ h! X% l# Z; X4 C> > Compassionate Leave
0 a  o0 [. W6 O! E% F3 _+ O> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
! r; _$ y0 n5 [> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-0 R" n9 A9 S, R2 P+ r' D( j
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
0 g7 @1 u3 T+ M7 D> > employees attend to the arrangements.
$ a2 f3 S; H6 m- Y> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
# m: N, K7 Y/ H0 h& @( _> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the5 z* I8 ?. B, [7 W5 W
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work( l  x3 k- Q/ G3 l" w
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
0 s2 I+ R) U. m. T6 f7 p> > hour early.
2 g; ?: J. L- ~% V# |> >% z0 W$ J: E- l8 ]
> > Toilet Use& g' R* u' X2 F- X
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
; g7 [% O; r3 x2 p( `) B" g  d> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
  o5 E) X3 x' Y8 o$ W> > in the cubicles.
; ~- m- \" B2 r> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will% X- @5 b% k9 L9 H5 i" X+ c, j
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
: w, N; R6 s  z> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.8 P* A2 }; j9 b
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
+ O" F4 t' m8 J> > posted on the company notice board under the% h! W) U5 K% X
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.2 b: I. f8 @4 U. n! q
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
: ^2 f. q+ i2 w9 }+ h> > sanctioned under the company's mental health1 S; u( n8 ]' A% c- E* z" j% @
> > policy." N7 B& m9 |# k) A9 U
> >) D: B7 Z# _+ O' r3 X1 ~  x6 v
> > Lunch Break
9 x7 D1 p7 w. [4 i- e* T! D# F> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
/ r/ t, z% C! k$ u> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
7 e0 J/ s2 N$ D- ]> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to% {- u% @( {6 d
> > maintain their average figure.; d9 B( ]; a0 f9 f/ ]
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time7 v* X6 M. j9 z. l
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.4 o1 I1 _2 n- T. S2 v% R! q2 v; l1 Q
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
6 N# n1 C! c3 _6 a. I/ \> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
1 B& k6 V# v8 g; {7 _9 r6 M$ ]7 G> > employment experience.7 c( x* Q* g% ]# Z0 k( n, }
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
, S* H: ^" Z/ H& ~  a* a3 L> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,9 ]- V* I, `$ U9 }* t; u
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
1 U/ @0 {+ n) t" y8 `> > directed elsewhere.